Scion of Kongdom returns in dreadful math saga of woe
with Lyndsey Beatty
Much like my time in Mrs. Solomon's third grade classroom 37 years ago, DK Jr. Math causes the most anxiety in the history of anxiety. There isn't enough Zoloft in the world to get me back in a math class that I desperately need to survive school and see another day. And there isn't enough Zoloft manufactured and slung in these modern times to justify the foolishness that is DK Jr. Math.
Though I kind of sort of sling numbers for a living these days, there was a time that I didn't. I was a journalist, a copy editor and page designer to be exact, and I didn't do numbers. There was a strong simple reason for that: My command of basic math was nowhere near as strong as my command of the English language.
Mrs. Solomon, probably RIP, was a no-nonsense woman of intimidating theatrics and old granny glasses that told my academically gifted and talented class constantly that understanding math was the key to living. If you couldn't do math, you were going to fail in life. I was scared. DK Jr. Math reminded me of that terror. If a game can take me back 37 years to trying to solve long multiplication and division in Mrs. Solomon's math class, I need not play it.
DK Jr. Math instantly takes me back to that time of math failure. The sheer anxiety of figuring out solutions and concepts returned as soon as I booted the game. Donkey Kong Jr., the small pseudo-scion of Kongdom, moves with the grace of a drunken man at 1:53 a.m. on his way out of the last bar before it shutters at 2 a.m. The plodding running to different vines with operators and numbers is as tedious as it sounds. The saving grace here is that it plays exactly like Donkey Kong Jr. before it. And it sounds terrible just like Donkey Kong Jr. before it.
There is a tacit support, though, for getting the correct answer. Yay, you solved a possibly hard question! OK, what's next? Oh, no, it's another puzzle. If I wanted to solve multiplication and addition puzzles, I'd just conjure the memories of Mrs. Solomon dismissing me from the forest green chalk board of doom after screwing up long multiplication. I wouldn't play DK Jr. Math. It's basically a reskin of a terrible game that exists for questionable reasons with math tacked on.
Additionally, pun intended, I hate Donkey Kong games with a roaring passion. It's well known in the GI fiefdom that the great ape with the tie is not welcome if he's talking about anything pre-Donkey Kong Country. Even then, he will be side-eyed just because it's an overhyped Rare product.
Much like my retro struggle with long division and fractions, I will not be revisiting the foolishness that is DK Jr. Math. The sheer incompetence that is the great ape's foray into math tutoring is incalculable.
Lyndsey Beatty is editor-in-chief of Gaming Insurrection. She can be reached by email at lyndseyb@gaminginsurrection.com
Though I kind of sort of sling numbers for a living these days, there was a time that I didn't. I was a journalist, a copy editor and page designer to be exact, and I didn't do numbers. There was a strong simple reason for that: My command of basic math was nowhere near as strong as my command of the English language.
Mrs. Solomon, probably RIP, was a no-nonsense woman of intimidating theatrics and old granny glasses that told my academically gifted and talented class constantly that understanding math was the key to living. If you couldn't do math, you were going to fail in life. I was scared. DK Jr. Math reminded me of that terror. If a game can take me back 37 years to trying to solve long multiplication and division in Mrs. Solomon's math class, I need not play it.
DK Jr. Math instantly takes me back to that time of math failure. The sheer anxiety of figuring out solutions and concepts returned as soon as I booted the game. Donkey Kong Jr., the small pseudo-scion of Kongdom, moves with the grace of a drunken man at 1:53 a.m. on his way out of the last bar before it shutters at 2 a.m. The plodding running to different vines with operators and numbers is as tedious as it sounds. The saving grace here is that it plays exactly like Donkey Kong Jr. before it. And it sounds terrible just like Donkey Kong Jr. before it.
There is a tacit support, though, for getting the correct answer. Yay, you solved a possibly hard question! OK, what's next? Oh, no, it's another puzzle. If I wanted to solve multiplication and addition puzzles, I'd just conjure the memories of Mrs. Solomon dismissing me from the forest green chalk board of doom after screwing up long multiplication. I wouldn't play DK Jr. Math. It's basically a reskin of a terrible game that exists for questionable reasons with math tacked on.
Additionally, pun intended, I hate Donkey Kong games with a roaring passion. It's well known in the GI fiefdom that the great ape with the tie is not welcome if he's talking about anything pre-Donkey Kong Country. Even then, he will be side-eyed just because it's an overhyped Rare product.
Much like my retro struggle with long division and fractions, I will not be revisiting the foolishness that is DK Jr. Math. The sheer incompetence that is the great ape's foray into math tutoring is incalculable.
Lyndsey Beatty is editor-in-chief of Gaming Insurrection. She can be reached by email at lyndseyb@gaminginsurrection.com